Crying!!

Today is November 22 which marks day 46 of the war. The title of this post sounds sad, and I have to warn you that it is.

For the last couple of days in Rafah, the drones, also known in Gaza as the zanana have been flying over our heads. The sound is so close that it feels like they’ll end up in your lap. Finally yesterday I started to feel a little positive about the news that a truce will start soon. I started thinking about every corner of my home and how damaged it could be and what I can do about it. Last night before I went to sleep I had finalized the plan in my head. I would have to wait for a couple of hours so that the drivers on the road could let us know which roads to use. My 79-year-old father cannot climb up the piles of sand blocking the road and we need to take that into account. My brother is young and if we come across any soldiers we should be able to protect him. 

The doorman who looks after our building has not been responding to phone calls and messages and we are worried that something has happened to him and his family. If he’s alive and in good shape, ideally he would arrive before us to ensure thieves would not dare to enter the building. My brother would head to his ruined home to try to get as many of his valuables as possible. For me, the most valuable thing is 3 albums with pictures of me and my late mom. 

I woke up with positive feelings and headed to the opposite room where I have my morning chats with my brother in-laws after the dawn prayers to pick up any missing information I missed last night about the war. They told me that we cannot return back home because that was not included in the terms and conditions of the truce. Without even knowing it, tears started flowing out of my eyes. I thought of how my grandparents left their homes in 1948. I apologize in my heart to each one of them as I always thought that our generation would outsmart them. I never realized how heartbroken they were when they were waiting to go back home and they had to delay it for days or months…until eventually it never happened.

We have tasted the bitterness our grandparents felt. To each one of them- I am sorry that no one could heal your broken hearts or return lost memories. I know that the house key each one of them always carries with them means a lot. Now I wonder if I will also be carrying mine!

There was another time. Throughout this war not only have I cried but I also haven’t been able to sleep.  I had a co-worker who called me asking about another coworker who was closest to my heart. She asked me if I heard from Eman and I said not for the last couple of days. Eman was my best coworker and my close friend outside the office. She was the most gentle, friendly generous and open-minded friend. She was very respectful inside the office and very supportive inside and outside the office. It took us less than a week in the two years we knew each other to become friends. We used to go shopping together, celebrate special days together, we bought things for her home and children and for my home as well. Most of the time, I used to drive her home after office hours and we used to sing on our way back. She was the only one I borrowed money from and lent it to.  We were also participating in a WhatsApp group to read the Qur’an. Eman was an architectural engineer holding an MA degree. She was an achiever in every aspect of her life. She had 2 children who were 10 and 11, who enjoyed swimming and advanced IT courses. The last time I met Eman she showed me pictures of her during her wedding and I was telling her that we must get in shape as soon as possible. With her unforgettable smile, she told me she was planning to get pregnant because she wanted a 3rd baby.

The day she passed away, she sent me an sms saying that she wanted to find an apartment to stay in as her entire building was bombarded. I sent her a message back saying “My house is yours until you find an apartment” but she never answered. I thought she did not receive my message because she did not answer back, but then I never received my answer. Eman was gone, together with her children. She preferred to help me move from one place to another than being in a party. She was trying to matchmake my brothers and wanted to attend their wedding parties. In spite of that, I could not be with her when she and her family and sisters and in-laws were killed. Was she lying under the rubble before she died? Did she die immediately? Did she see her children dead? Nobody will ever know. You will remain a beautiful memory and I will never forget her beautiful singing. And yes, good people leave us quickly. Love you dear and until we meet again, please rest in peace with your family wherever you are.

My three cats

The third time I cried was for my pets. I had to leave them in Gaza City and go to Rafah. On the day we left so many family members squeezed themselves in the car and I kept thinking I would go back to Gaza City no matter what to get them. I put enough food and water for a week and left the house. For 2 days, I was crying desperately imagining them at home alone with the sounds of bombing which was very loud close to the sea port where I lived and will hopefully return. My spoilt furry cats always look for me and wait for me near the door. They are now 6-8 years old and I was their only caretaker. There were rumors of intended truces every day. According to the rumors, one should start at 12:00 noon. I could not wait for more than 2 days. I left the host family’s house at 8:00 am and I simply drove back to Gaza city. I did not have gas in the car and everyone was warning me against it. I just thought that God knows my good intentions and would help me: I found a gas station providing gas before I even left to the main road. As soon as I saw the sign “Welcome to Gaza City”, I heard airstrikes and the sounds of bombing. I started crying out of fear but there was no way to turn back.  I could not hold my tears back once in the city because I saw a ghost town very similar to what we see in horror movies. I was crying as I kept moving forward and eventually I arrived home. It took me a long time to fetch my sweet cats and go back to Rafah. 

I eventually arrived back and everyone was holding their breath because they were worried I wouldn’t make it. I did and I was finally parking by the gate in Rafah I wasn’t sure I’d make it back to.