It's Ruba from Gaza

Today is the 25th of February and another month has just flown by. Here in Gaza we don’t realize that time is passing us by as things here continue to be the same, and then suddenly we look at the date and get a shock. The clock is still ticking for me and I continue to fight for my right to leave as soon as possible. I’ve done everything I possibly can in order to leave and now I’m leaving it to God, or in the hands of destiny or whatever you want to call it. I’m doing this because I’ve done all the formal procedures and everything within my capacity that I could do. I don’t know what to expect now - there are always delays and we are just waiting. We could be told we can leave at any moment. Meanwhile things are still happening here in Gaza.  The other day I went to visit my sister who now lives in a kindergarten. While I was there I learned that the Israelis had taken her neighbour’s son. I was sitting with my sister and someone outside was calling her in a trembling voice, unab...

Today is the 30th of January and one month of this year has already passed. One out of twelve. Sometimes I wonder if we are going to spend additional years counting down the days of this war. It’s not easy for me to tell the stories in this blog for two reasons: firstly reliving them is double the heartbreak, and secondly I recently made a decision to try and make the most of every moment and to try and be positive whatever the situation is. I did this for a couple of days but then the reality hit me, as if it was giving me a message that I shouldn’t go too far away from it.  I had been praying that it wouldn't rain this winter, because of all the displaced people living in tents. But when I heard that it was going to rain, I decided that I was going to try and enjoy it, and so I went for a walk that morning - something that I had been doing for a long time before the war and I miss it. After a very nice walk in which I finally felt the cold breeze on a rainy day on my face, I deci...

Today is the 13th of January and I know it’s been a while since I last communicated with you. I feel like there is nothing new to say - the same terrible difficult things keep happening over and over again. There are still bombings and explosions around us everywhere. Rafah is becoming extremely crowded. As each day passes more people come here. The ongoing attacks on the middle area of Gaza, on Al Nusairat, Al Maghazi and Al Bureij make it really hard for people to continue living there and they are still fleeing to Rafah. The original population of Rafah was around 280,000 people but now there are about 1.8 million people here . When I first came here it was easy to bump into other people who had come from Gaza City and the middle part of the Gaza Strip, but now since it’s so crowded you hardly ever see anyone you know. Now when I need to go out I keep my head down and just try and quickly finish up whatever I need to do and then head straight back home. This is firstly because of th...

Today is the 21st of December and this blog is going to be a hard one to read. I am warning you now that if you cannot listen to shocking, terrifying and disgusting details then this blog is not for you. Living through this war is like living through a horror movie and you will see why when you read these stories. Of course, nothing  is more dramatic and sad than being forced to flee your home, to move from one place to another and to end up being displaced. For me I came immediately to Rafah because I knew people here but that's not the case for everyone. There are people who left from Gaza City to Deir El Balah to a school, and then to Khan Younis and then to Rafah so they have had to flee 4 or 5 times. This war has made us be away from our homes for over two months now, forcing another family to host us, and there are others living in schools or in the streets or in tents. There’s nothing worse than not knowing where your relatives are or what they’re doing or even losing them -...

Today is the 11th of December. We have been experiencing very difficult nights. The drones are above us all day and during the nights we hear explosions, airstrikes and bombardments so it’s difficult to sleep. I want to explain what it means to be hosted by a family and how this affects your life. There’s a big difference between Arabic culture and Western Culture. Over here, being hosted doesn’t mean that you feel like you’re at home. Being hosted means that the family ‘serves’ you what you need and as guests you remain in a couple of particular places within the house. This is to show that you’re being polite - you’re not just wondering around their house all the time.  So we remain in our two rooms (the room I share with my father during the day and I share the other room with our in laws during the night). If I need something I go to the kitchen and then go back to my room. Because we are confined to these spaces in the house, we don’t share a lot in the host family’s daily lif...

We have been having rough days, but before I talk about them I just want to address a comment I received about my blog. Someone in Gaza told me that it’s not a real reflection of how life is here and I want to make sure that I’m fully understood. The experiences I describe here are my own and I’m trying to find ways to preserve these memories for all the reasons I mentioned earlier. In case we have to flee, in case we get accused of abandoning our land and our country, just like what happened with our grandparents. I mean we have lived through this situation that has made me realize how hard it was for them - when they left they actually did something natural. We can’t even say that they ‘fled’ because they thought they were leaving for a couple of days and coming back, just like we thought too.  The diary entries here describe my life nowadays, and it’s changed dramatically since this war started. I am living with a host family and we supposedly have the ‘best’ situation amongst t...

Today we had a very sad ending to a long day because we learnt that the US vetoed the resolution at the UN Security Council calling for a ceasefire in Gaza. Let’s go back and see what happened during the day. I woke up to the sound of loud and excited voices in the building and I wasn’t sure what was going on. It turned out that the host family were trying to make bread using a new method. We have what we call an Egyptian oven and it’s usually metallic used with gas. It’s made of two different layers – in the middle of the two layers there’s a fire that that goes below or above the food depending if you use the upper or lower layer – you can see it in the picture. This oven is not usually used for making bread but more for pastries, sweets and cookies,  however, because there are so many people staying in all three storeys of this building they decided to try it out and see if it could make some bread.          Instead of using gas they had to use a lot of ...

Last night was difficult but it was a little better than the two nights before because I actually got some decent sleep. I woke up feeling better and more positive. Maybe I managed to be positive because I don’t get to hear the news in detail. People who have televisions know a lot more than I do. I am not seeing the terrible pictures and videos that are coming out of this war.  Today I was just desperate to have a good normal day and so that’s what I tried to do. It’s funny - the room I’m staying in was the host family’s daughters’ room when they were younger. There are all these posters up of singers and actors from the 1990s. It’s kind of surreal to be surrounded by all these singers and actors when bombs are falling. There’s a picture up of Abdul Halim Hafez who has been my favourite singer since I was four but he passed away in the early 70s. There’s also picture of Leonardo diCaprio from the movie, ‘The Titanic’. I can't help but start thinking about the similarities between ...

Today is the 6th of December and it feels like a really difficult day even though we had a quiet night. I woke up with this urgent feeling that I want to go home, that I don’t care about anything, that I just want to be there again. This idea is not just dominating my mind but the minds of everyone around me. Even though we have had to accept whatever circumstances we have had to face until now, our standards are changing. Certain things are unacceptable. There’s only so long that you can live in a situation like this for.  I know that the parts of daily life I’m describing as a displaced person are nothing compared to the experiences of losing a family member, getting injured, losing a limb or losing your home. But the reality I’m describing is often overlooked as the impact of the conflict creeps into every aspect of life. For example, everyone has their own standards in their own house. They have their own routine that they’re not even aware of until they’re faced with a situati...

Today is December the 5th and we had another very difficult night. The past two nights have been extremely difficult. We could hear bombing throughout the night and nobody could sleep. The sound of bombing felt worse than usual last night. It was unbearable and we didn’t know if we would make it to the morning. Once we got up some of the people staying in our building said that they had received a text message telling them to leave Khan Younis if they are there as it’s not safe. It’s really becoming more and more mad here. Khan Younis is already in the south and so the only place they can flee to is Rafah. Gazans definitely do not want to flee to Egypt - we don’t know where we are going to end up but it’s becoming more and more difficult for people to live here.  For the past couple of days we have been talking a lot about safety. People have been saying that the tunnels underground will be filled with water which means the foundations of the buildings will no longer be stable. We ...

Today is the 3rd of December and I’m sipping my coffee while writing this diary. Last night was really difficult because there were drones flying over our heads the entire night. I really couldn’t sleep and I woke up this morning with an intense headache. Yesterday I woke up to the news that there will no longer be any humanitarian support coming into Gaza. But then the news changed to saying that humanitarian support will be decreased for Gaza, compared to what it’s been the last few days in the truce. This is going to have a huge impact on the people here.  The word humanitarian assistance is very irritating to me. It’s called humanitarian assistance but in reality it’s basic human rights. It should be called humanitarian rights provided to the Palestinian people. When you say humanitarian assistance it sounds like we are a needy people, which is not correct. We deserve to have our human rights fulfilled as every other human being in the world. The word assistance is dehumanizing...

I was really surprised to wake up yesterday and realize we are already in December. When we went to sleep on Thursday night, things felt semi-normal. We were talking a lot and we had some good news on that day. There are three children staying in this building whose mother had been in Jerusalem throughout the war on Gaza, and she was able to return back home yesterday. She had gone for medical treatment and was not allowed to return earlier. It was lovely to see how happy her children and husband were to have her back and they got all dressed up to receive her. She already had three sons and she returned with a new little baby. Both mother and baby are in good health. And so it felt like life was going on as semi-normal, except for the fact that we were waiting for news about whether the truce would go on. The markets here in Rafah are still in a terrible situation, as are all markets in the Gaza Strip. On Thursday the markets had some items but there were many essential things missing...

Today is the 29th of November and the truce is still ongoing so hopefully we’ll enjoy another day. The people staying with us in this building are all continuing to have their morning coffee together and discussions are ongoing about politics and what to expect for the future. And it keeps coming up again and again - all we want is to go back home. Everyone wants to go back home, not just me. One of the things everyone says here is, “I’d rather stay in a tent by myself on top of my (destroyed) home rather than staying in other people’s houses.” I still don’t understand how anyone could have the soul, the capacity or the psyche to take over somebody else’s home. It’s unfathomable to me that anyone would want to do this.  Yesterday I learnt that a friend of mine and her husband were both killed. She’s a doctor and he’s a very well known consultant here in Gaza. I know her because she’s the mother of one of the young people I used to work with in the past who was studying in the veter...

Today is the 28th of November and the truce has continued for another day.  I’ve chosen the title of my blog today because when the Israelis declared they were going to attack Gaza they promised to take us back 50 years. At the start of the war Israeli officials came on live TV and said that Gazan people are human animals and should be treated as such. They also said they would deprive us of any kind of modern civilization, including electricity, water and the internet. Hearing such arrogant statements was really difficult and dehumanizing to everyone here in Gaza. It was dehumanizing to humanity itself.  Everyone is speaking about Israel’s right to defend itself but no one is speaking about the Palestinians’ right to resistance. We have this right and it was guaranteed by international law. We as Palestinians, have the right to defend ourselves from the Israeli occupation - yes, we have to stick to our borders. But then again, tell me where the Israeli border is - we don’t ev...

Today is the 27th of November and it’s supposedly the last day of the truce. We still don’t have confirmed news on whether it’ll be extended or not and so we’re waiting to hear. I still don’t know what happened to my friend that I mentioned earlier. I only know that she she's still alive but I’m not sure about her husband. She has also lost her three children which is an unimaginable loss, especially as it wasn’t easy for her to get pregnant in the first place and she was only able to have children 7 years after marriage. Today I’m struggling with so many conflicting thoughts and how to manage them. I feel like my thoughts are so mixed up. For example I really want to go back home, to fix it up and to sit there - that is, if my home is still there. But at the same time I feel like I want to emigrate to somewhere else and leave this place forever. Sometimes I wake up in a very good and positive mood and sometimes in a very difficult mood. I have to hold all these feelings inside so ...

Today is the 26th of November and the third day of the truce. It seems like a calm day but the quiet gives our minds the time and space to process things that have happened. Quiet time after the traumatic situations that we have been through means that we’ve had many many ideas flowing through our minds and we’re also discussing them together. I want to explain why I want these diaries out. Firstly my friends outside Gaza ask me so many questions like what is it like, how are you doing, what is happening, what is it like not to have electricity or water? Seemingly simple questions but a short answer cannot explain what we’re experiencing. So I am explaining it here for everyone who has never been through a situation like this.  I’m also writing because I want to preserve these memories as a Palestinian who never wanted to leave their land in Gaza and go abroad at all. Because people and history judge us and will judge us in the future. Our grandparents went through a similar situat...

I took this picture from my balcony in Rafah on a cold winter's day. Today is the 25th of November and it’s the second day of the truce. The night before it started there was a huge bombing next to the building I’m staying in and all the children were terrified and were screaming. It was really chaotic that night. Yesterday when the truce began at 7am the plan was to hopefully start the day afresh but it didn’t turn out to be that way at all.  The moment I learnt that one of the conditions of the truce was that we could not return to our homes in Gaza city, tears started to roll down my face. All I had hoped and dreamed about was to go home. I was yearning for it and desperate to do it but we can’t go; we have to stay here in Rafah.  So yesterday, as my sister has been displaced to Rafah as well, we decided to meet. She’s just a taxi ride away but obviously during the conflict we couldn’t meet unless it was extremely important. We spent the whole day together and we were plann...