Waiting for news...

Today is the 27th of November and it’s supposedly the last day of the truce. We still don’t have confirmed news on whether it’ll be extended or not and so we’re waiting to hear. I still don’t know what happened to my friend that I mentioned earlier. I only know that she she's still alive but I’m not sure about her husband. She has also lost her three children which is an unimaginable loss, especially as it wasn’t easy for her to get pregnant in the first place and she was only able to have children 7 years after marriage.

Today I’m struggling with so many conflicting thoughts and how to manage them. I feel like my thoughts are so mixed up. For example I really want to go back home, to fix it up and to sit there - that is, if my home is still there. But at the same time I feel like I want to emigrate to somewhere else and leave this place forever. Sometimes I wake up in a very good and positive mood and sometimes in a very difficult mood. I have to hold all these feelings inside so the people I’m staying with don’t have to deal with my extreme moods. Sometimes I feel extremely happy and want to get up and do lots of things and other times I feel very depressed and can’t find the motivation to do anything. If they see me like this we might end up in an argument and I don’t want that to happen. 

Sometimes I feel I want to stay here and dedicate my time to helping children but then other times I feel it’s pointless and think I should build a life outside Gaza and I’m sure I’ll find something good. But I don’t know- there is this continuous feeling that it’s really hard to decide and to plan and it's because of what we’re going through. I hope that we get a long period of quiet time so I can think deeply about what I’m going to do. All I know for now is that I just want to go back to my home and that’s the most important thing for me for the moment. 

This quiet time, mainly the truce, has allowed me to observe closely what’s happening with people in our society. I realized that domestic violence is increasing enormously. I was speaking to one of my friends today on the phone and she told me that the other day her and her husband had a huge fight which was witnessed by almost 150 people. That’s because they had all fled to the same place and were staying there together. So their fight took place in public. I know this friend likes to keep everything confidential and privacy is really important to her, but she couldn’t have a private moment and the argument she had with her husband was seen by so many people.

This morning she also told me that she lost her aunt yesterday and her aunt wasn’t even living in Gaza. Her aunt died in Saudi Arabia only because she was very sad about the situation here. That aunt who was 70 years old died because of sadness because she couldn’t do anything to help her family in Gaza.

Everyone has their own priorities and things that are important to them in life. Personally I have two - one of them is that I love to sip my morning coffee on my own without anyone sitting with me and the other is my daily workout. I have to make time every day in my routine. In regard to the coffee, sometimes it’s not available in the market and sometimes I might spend a lot of time trying to get it without any success. Today I managed to get some! For my friend, her priorities include privacy and making sure all family issues remain private. Now she’s having to live her life in front of many people because of the forced displacement. 

The situation with children here is chaotic as they are constantly shouting and screaming. I yearn to close the door and have a moment to myself, but children have tiny bodies with big souls so they need to be active, to play, to go to a playground, to have playdates with other kids. This is also not available to them. They are stuck in a small space all day every day. In our building they’re lucky to have a small backyard available to them - even that’s not always available as whenever the bombing starts again they have to stay indoors.

The yard next to our building where the children play

As I’m writing this I just learned from a friend that our house is still there so now I keep imagining what the house looks like and if it’s in a good condition or not - is it something that we can live in again? 

Since the truce started we have had gas for the car and for cooking. The host family members have been standing in long queues for two days to get gas for home. This is too much. They’re also trying to find alternative ways because they’re very exhausted. Sometimes one of them goes and stands in a long queue during the day and someone else takes the night shift. Or for example someone who knows them will help out but then they will have to help others later to get gas. I was hoping to fill the tank of my car and keep it ready in case we get to go back to Gaza City. As I mentioned my car was bombed at the beginning of the war but I still managed to drive it afterwards. I’ll also need gas if I end up fleeing to Egypt - we really do not want to go there but if we are forced to flee I have to be ready. The thing is that people are ending up spending the entire days of the truce queueing for gas instead of doing useful things for themselves and the community. I’ve also just learnt that the truce has been extended for the next two days as well but we still can’t go back home. 

I also wanted to mention that I managed to visit my relative in Rafah and we spent some time together. I’m so glad I saw them as I learned that my aunt and uncle are planning to travel and leave Gaza forever. Both of them are 75 years old, they’re sad and afraid but feel they’ve been left with no choice. They had a big apartment in an area called Twam in Gaza City. They don’t know what happened to it. They lived in a big beautiful three-storey building which had a swimming pool but now they’re having to leave everything behind. We’re also worried about my aunt who is starting to have some symptoms of dementia. Her daughter was very afraid for her and she wanted her to stay so she could take care of her but she also can’t leave her husband who she has spent over 50 years of her life with.

This is it for now, I’m just hoping things improve in the future. The day is starting and I hope it’s a good one. We wake up with really conflicting moods as we don’t know what’s going to happen.

NO MATTER how I feel, I want my home back