Why I'm writing a diary

Today is the 26th of November and the third day of the truce. It seems like a calm day but the quiet gives our minds the time and space to process things that have happened. Quiet time after the traumatic situations that we have been through means that we’ve had many many ideas flowing through our minds and we’re also discussing them together.

I want to explain why I want these diaries out. Firstly my friends outside Gaza ask me so many questions like what is it like, how are you doing, what is happening, what is it like not to have electricity or water? Seemingly simple questions but a short answer cannot explain what we’re experiencing. So I am explaining it here for everyone who has never been through a situation like this. 

I’m also writing because I want to preserve these memories as a Palestinian who never wanted to leave their land in Gaza and go abroad at all. Because people and history judge us and will judge us in the future. Our grandparents went through a similar situation; they had to flee their lands and although some of them were still inside Palestine after the Nakba they could never go back to their land. I thought we would never do what they did by giving up our land - but now I realize that we were judging them not having been through what they had. Anyone in their situation would have done the same. It’s a situation of life and death and we were made to leave believing that we would go back. 

One of my friends, Nour wrote on Facebook yesterday that she had lost her home and that she still had her house keys. This is exactly what happened to our grandparents. I feel so sorry for ever thinking that I could have managed better than them. We found ourselves in the same situation they were in and we did the same thing they did. I can only hope that we don’t get to the point where we are not able to return to our homes again.

Since I don’t want anyone to judge us like we judged our grandparents, I want everyone to learn what’s happening to us and how we feel about going back. 

Like I said before, we are living in the same building with our in-laws. They spend the day downstairs but they come up to sleep in the room opposite my father and I. Yesterday they were in Khan Younis where they spent the whole day with a friend’s family who lost her life during the war. This friend was in her eighth month of pregnancy and she died in a bombardment, along with her husband and everyone in their building. Everyone died except her mother, who miraculously survived as the pressure in the air made her fly into another building and she only had some scratches. In this case this lady lost all her children, all her grandchildren and all her children’s partners. 

I had met the girl who was eight months pregnant before. She was so happy; she’d already chosen her child’s name and she was looking forward to having him. Two days before she was killed she went to her husband with whom she shared a deep love - it was clear they were soulmates - she said to him ‘we are going to die together, we will be killed in this war together.’ When my in-laws came back to Rafah they started telling me these stories and the stories of women who were at that girl’s house to give condolences to her mother. 

Following up on the news of my friend I mentioned earlier, whose 3 children were killed. I got to know the whole family when I was trying to rent a house following the bombardment of my own house in the 2020 war. I was looking for an apartment and the reason I selected that building is because it was close to where I lived in the new port of Gaza - for those who know Gaza, it was in Haider Abd El-Shafi Square. I selected this place because I liked the owner of this apartment - she was a woman who was the same age as my mother (may God rest her soul) and somehow she has such a good energy. I always felt like she was so supportive no matter what I did.

I’ve only known them for a short time but during that time I became a family member. I was considered like the sixth daughter in that family. We used to have lunch together every Thursday. If there was ever a Thursday I couldn’t have lunch with them I would always find the food on my doorstep because they’d drop it off for me. And I used to do the same - if I cooked something they liked I’d just put it on their doorstep. 

Although this building was older than my building, I was so happy there because I had a great social life. Even though I had my own apartment where I was living with my father, I loved it so much there that I often thought of selling mine and living in that building instead. I was especially close to the woman whose three children were killed. The 3 of them were killed together the day before the truce. We had a very special connection. When I entered the house she would run up to me and give me a big hug. One day we bought a drum (tabla) and one of the children who used to love playing it often played and we’d just clap along. We have so many beautiful memories together.

Imagine what happened to her mother and sisters’ lives when they learned that the three children had been killed. Imagine what happens to such a happy, honest, straight forward, cheerful family - imagine how their lives are going to change forever. This family is like a fabric woven together - if something happens to one of them then they are all affected by it. Although she is shattered by her loss the mother is still alive thank God and is looking for an orthopedic doctor who is still in Gaza and can treat her.

These are the kinds of stories we hear on a daily basis. Today I’ve been having one of the best mornings I’ve had in ages because I’ve been sitting and chatting with my in-laws but all of our discussions have been about people who were found dead, bad dreams and nightmares we’ve had. In spite of this I enjoyed being with them and I still want to feel like I’m alive and can live a normal life.

One of the things we talked about was the importance of staying connected and that we need to buy power banks (which as I mentioned were hard to find in the markets) that we can charge whenever we have access to solar energy. I was also very happy to learn that our host family were cooking malfouf (cabbage filled with rice) and some vegetables for the day - this made my day.

Also this morning I went to check that my nephew was safe and then I ended up spontaneously playing with the children staying in our building. There’s a small open space in the host family’s house and so we played there while we were waiting to eat. Today we had some beautiful moments, we felt like we could finally breathe - but of course we’re still waiting to see what happens next, since today is the 3rd day and tomorrow will be the 4th day of the truce.

We are people who love coffee. Last night my brother sneaked out of the house on a bicycle to the coffee dealer to buy coffee for our building. Of course it was risky because we don’t feel safe going out after dark. Most of the time we go out in the daytime, not at night because it’s risky. And so he went without telling anyone so that we don’t stop him from doing it. But the result was that this morning was made even more beautiful by the lovely coffee we all sipped together as we had our morning chats. 

Another reason that I’m working on this diary is that I represent the majority or most of the people that were killed in the war. When you talk about “many civilians being killed who have nothing to do with the war”, it’s us. It’s people like us who have nothing to do with any political party, we’re just normal human beings and citizens and that’s why I feel that it’s important to speak up about what we’re going through.