Daydreams of Home

Today is the 7th of January and I’m going to share what I spend my time imagining or daydreaming about. First of all the situation remains the same and that may sound simple but it’s not - it just means that every day we hear of more people being killed. Every day we lose more and more of the people we love in this war - old friends, acquaintances, neighbours, people who we used to say hi to.  Every day more and more people also go missing - missing could mean that they’re missing under the rubble or missing because we don’t have any contact with them. 

I know I haven’t written for a while but for the past week it’s been so hard to sleep at night because the explosions are getting closer to us. We wake up every 5-10 minutes during the night, sometimes every 30 minutes, because of the sound of an explosion. We then try to go back to sleep. One thing that is giving me relief in this regard is thinking about my home back in Gaza City. I never expected this but it comforts me to think in great detail about that home. 

My home in Gaza City was not my first. During my teens and early 20s I lived with my family but then by my mid-20s I contributed to building a home for me and the family together. I would say I put in an effort of about 80% - when I say effort I mean thinking of the details, buying things, paying for things and everything that requires building a home. That house was fully destroyed during this war, and nothing, I mean nothing was left of it. I feel sad for the albums with pictures of my late mom and the the lost images from my childhood of me and my family. The second time was during my mid-30s and this time I contributed an effort of 100% towards building the house that I always speak about. The house was destroyed in one of the wars and then I gave it 100% effort again to rebuild and renovate it together with my father and my friend Eman who was an architect but has been killed together with her family during the war. Now I don't know how much effort it’s going to take for me to build it again. That is, if I ever get to return to Gaza City. 

I made everything in that house so personal. How I miss the view of the sea! I had put in big glass windows that start 40 centimeters above the floor and go up to the ceiling, and the view was so beautiful and soothing. I had my own small gym at home, equipped with everything required by someone who loves working out - the bench, the sliders, the dumbells, the workout mat, the mat, the steps - everything! There was also a small cabinet where I kept all my things for my morning walks and swimming. These are all small details but they’re so personalised and I bought every item myself. 

Then there were the mattresses and the cover sheets that I love. I have three for each of the beds and the tables. I had selected them all so carefully. I had so many plans for the kitchen. I had a small storage space with all the electrical appliances you could think of. I had beautiful cutlery and decor in the dining room. I put so much love into it all. Speaking about it makes me feel relaxed but then I remember that we were told everything was looted and I start thinking about the possible infestation of mice, rats and bats. There could be cockroaches and insects crawling all around. I don’t even feel angry thinking about this - it just makes me feel very sad. 

I keep telling myself I’ve done it once, twice, three times and now I can do it for the fourth time. We will not let these forced displacements make us lose our beloved home. I also had a big library with many books, all of which I’ve read. Some of them have been on the shelf for 30-40 years, some of them I got from my grandfather and some of them I bought long time ago - I keep reading and rereading them. My library includes the Quran and the Bible. I’m a practicing Muslim but I also respect other religions especially Christianity because many of our neighbours and friends are Christian and I also had Christian teachers at school.

We are at a terrible point in time now, at a crossroads. I have no idea which direction life is going to take us in. The idea of leaving is becoming more and more likely. It’s taking up so much time and space in my mind. It seems like we’ll have to leave, but I don’t know for how long. I don’t know where we’ll end up. I just feel so sad - it’s not an easy thing to do. Especially as I don’t have dual nationality and I’ve never even thought about it before. I’ve always felt happy and satisfied with what I have. 

So life is changing now. The houses I mentioned were mine and I’ve contributed to them, but I’ve also lived in different places in the world. Between the MENA region and the other parts of the world, I’ve lived in 15 different houses all together. So now I might have to move again and I'll have to work on this again. But I do it with a deeper understanding of myself because I know how I want to live and I know what I can use for the future and how my life is going to be so I assume it’s going to be easier. But I don’t know because that’s just an assumption - everything will become clearer with time. 

It’s hard to judge now also because now we are in the middle of nowhere. I have been struggling with my mind in order to plan as usual but this is the first time in my life that I have to make big decisions without even planning for them. And in the background of trying to do this we hear the sounds of the war - we are not given the chance to leave, there’s no ceasefire, there’s no truce. We are just left in the middle of all that and we have to take important big decisions under pressure and this is not an easy thing to do - believe me. So this is where we are and I just hope that things will be more clear in the future.