Trying not to relive awful memories

Today is the 26th of January. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write an entry for my diary and what I hope to be my recorded memories in the future. I feel absolutely exhausted. I’ve had this feeling for a while now, and I just don’t have the energy to write or speak about the situation here. I also don’t want to remember, so that I don’t have to live through the same thing twice. Everything I’m hearing, saying and going through is really very difficult - not just for me but for everyone going through it. So maybe this is why I’m a bit delayed in posting this.

Recently I’ve been living through some sad times for the family hosting us. They have a lot of family members missing and one of their extended family members lost a brother, a husband and a son all at once. In another incident there were 20 people killed together at once, here in Rafah. Everyone became so quiet that people didn’t even talk about those things. I didn’t even know - I was just on the balcony trying to get a good internet connection and suddenly I looked down and saw a funeral taking place. I thought it was for someone else but to my surprise it turned out to be for a relative of the family hosting us.

So this is part of what I’ve been going through. I’ve also had many conversations on separate occasions with more than one person about Rafah Zoo. As you know, in the Gaza Strip, especially here in Rafah in the south there isn’t a single spot that has been left alone - every single location that you can think of - hospitals, schools and kindergartens, public parks and also the zoo itself has displaced people living in tents staying over there and waiting for their chance to go back home.

It’s not just people from Gaza City but people have also come here from the middle and northern part of the Gaza Strip as well as Khan Younis in the south. As you know we were told that Khan Younis was a safe area which is not the case at all. All the conversations with people revolve around the fears of more people being forced to come to Rafah. And if this happens it will just make a dire situation even worse because it’s already overcrowded with lots of people from all over the Gaza Strip.

In the zoo itself a lot of people also arrived and are living in tents. This is the worst thing that could happen to the animals. Having humans living side by side with untamed animals is crazy.  There are animals living in cages that aren’t protected; they belong to the private sector and the situation was very bad for those animals even before the war. When I visited the zoo I literally collapsed into a chair and started sobbing because of what I witnessed there. It's not just the humans suffering due to a lack of humanitarian assistance and food, but animal food is missing as well. The situation is so unfair for animals, who are living through this war and we don’t acknowledge it enough - we are responsible for animals too as humans. 

There are so many other stories to tell but unfortunately they are all sad stories. I have a friend staying in the UN Campus and it’s supposed to be a safe place in Khan Younis for all UN and international staff as well as other people living in the Gaza Strip. My friend is 9 months pregnant and she’s due to deliver any time soon. I sent her a message the day before yesterday because we cannot get through to each other on the phone and I asked her how she’s doing and if she was able to buy all the items necessary for giving birth. She replied to me saying that her husband is doing his best to collect everything on time. In the last message I received from her she told me that there were tanks in their area attacking them, many people have been killed and they are burying them in the same place. Then she stopped - she didn’t answer my question of ‘how are you?’, she just spoke about the dangerous situation and she was thinking more about the overall situation - she was afraid for her own life.

Since that time the calls have stopped - she could be giving birth at any moment. I don’t know even if they got whatever is necessary for giving birth. I don't know if she kept it with her or she left it at that campus. I know she’s coming to Rafah together with more than 12,000 people who were asked to evacuate that campus and we don’t know what’s happening with her. I’m waiting for a phone call from her or some kind of communication.

So it hasn’t been an easy or quiet period of time. I feel very exhausted - this is where I am at for now.