It's Ruba from Gaza

A Gofund.me page has been set up to help Ruba and father move to a safer location,away from the daily dangers in Gaza.  Today is the 14th of February and I have been having a hard time here in Rafah. All the conversations here revolve around whether the Israelis are going to get into Rafah or not and if the peace talks and ongoing negotiations in Egypt will result in anything. I know the results of attacks on Rafah will be devastating and so many people are going to die. There is a sense of fear amongst everyone here that if the Israelis enter Rafah they are going to kill so many people, just like they did in Gaza City, in the North, in the Middle and in Khan Younis. Rafah is the only place that was left until recently where the military operations were relatively limited.  Everyone is concerned as things are escalating slowly. And that is a pattern that happened in other locations - they usually start with limited operations which get more and more intense until eventually t...

Today is the 9th of February. Time is flying and yet it feels like I’ve been here for a very long time. In spite of the fact that we are surviving it doesn’t mean we are strong, it doesn’t mean we are ok, it doesn’t mean we are coping well. It just means that in order to remain alive we have to make do with what we have. We could never have survived this far without clinging on to the hope that things will end one day and that we are going to return back to our homes and that this time will pass and will become a memory like the many hard times the Palestinians have been through.  A lot of things have been happening with me, especially as I’ve been trying to leave for a while - it’s no secret anymore. In spite of all the love I carry for my home and my city I’m finding it very hard to stay. People are really suffering and we are hearing their stories every day. I just heard a friend of ours in Rafah was taken out of the rubble alive, so that was good news. I still have to cope with...

Today is the 3rd of February which marks my late mother’s birthday. She passed away in 2011 at the age of 59. Usually I feel a lot of emotions for the loss of my mother at this time of year, but this time it’s different. I woke up knowing it’s my mother’s birthday and I felt nothing because the situation here is so intense that I sometimes find it difficult to even think of myself, where I was in life and where I want to be. This war has forced us to put our feelings into freeze mode and feel nothing because if you feel every single emotion it will destroy you.  I’ve never mentioned this even to my closest friends because I didn’t want them to think I was crazy, but I remember putting my mother’s coffin bands (which were used to secure her clothing before burying her) in a special place in my bedroom. I thought that when I die I’d use the same bands because they were used for my mother, so it gave me a feeling of safety knowing that something of hers was always around. In that jour...

Today is the 30th of January and one month of this year has already passed. One out of twelve. Sometimes I wonder if we are going to spend additional years counting down the days of this war. It’s not easy for me to tell the stories in this blog for two reasons: firstly reliving them is double the heartbreak, and secondly I recently made a decision to try and make the most of every moment and to try and be positive whatever the situation is. I did this for a couple of days but then the reality hit me, as if it was giving me a message that I shouldn’t go too far away from it.  I had been praying that it wouldn't rain this winter, because of all the displaced people living in tents. But when I heard that it was going to rain, I decided that I was going to try and enjoy it, and so I went for a walk that morning - something that I had been doing for a long time before the war and I miss it. After a very nice walk in which I finally felt the cold breeze on a rainy day on my face, I deci...

Today is the 26th of January. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write an entry for my diary and what I hope to be my recorded memories in the future. I feel absolutely exhausted. I’ve had this feeling for a while now, and I just don’t have the energy to write or speak about the situation here. I also don’t want to remember, so that I don’t have to live through the same thing twice. Everything I’m hearing, saying and going through is really very difficult - not just for me but for everyone going through it. So maybe this is why I’m a bit delayed in posting this. Recently I’ve been living through some sad times for the family hosting us. They have a lot of family members missing and one of their extended family members lost a brother, a husband and a son all at once. In another incident there were 20 people killed together at once, here in Rafah. Everyone became so quiet that people didn’t even talk about those things. I didn’t even know - I was just on the balcony trying to get ...

Today is the 20th of January and I still can’t believe we are in the year 2024 already. It feels like we missed the last quarter of 2023. I usually love that time of year because of the holiday season. I haven’t had the chance to leave Gaza for a long time, but when I did I would always enjoy watching people celebrating different holidays and occasions. Time has passed us by and we are now in 2024 and it’s almost the end of January which is unbelievable.  We are also now more than 100 days into the war and for more than 100 days I’ve been living outside my home. For over 100 days I’ve been hosted by a family.  For over 100 days I’ve been living in a room which is not mine, sleeping in a bed which is not mine, using a cover which is not mine, tasting and eating food which I haven’t cooked, staying indoors most of the time with my father and our in-laws.  For over 100 days I haven’t switched a button on and off in order to use a light or any electrical appliances.  For...

Today is the 13th of January and I know it’s been a while since I last communicated with you. I feel like there is nothing new to say - the same terrible difficult things keep happening over and over again. There are still bombings and explosions around us everywhere. Rafah is becoming extremely crowded. As each day passes more people come here. The ongoing attacks on the middle area of Gaza, on Al Nusairat, Al Maghazi and Al Bureij make it really hard for people to continue living there and they are still fleeing to Rafah. The original population of Rafah was around 280,000 people but now there are about 1.8 million people here . When I first came here it was easy to bump into other people who had come from Gaza City and the middle part of the Gaza Strip, but now since it’s so crowded you hardly ever see anyone you know. Now when I need to go out I keep my head down and just try and quickly finish up whatever I need to do and then head straight back home. This is firstly because of th...